Stylised Monologue

Wednesday, 30 October 2013

The Stylised Guide to Being a Hallow(i)eener.

Growing up in Greece, Halloween seemed like a really exotic thing, people "abroad" got to do. I remember staring at this borderline 'urban legend' occasion happening on the bulky glass screen of our TV ( I would have said flat screen but who am I kidding! Holler mid-twenties, cue to self pity filled sobbing over my FIVE white hairs, but I digress). Every October, while I sat in my boring "winter clothes", children abroad would dress up as witches and skeletons so intimidating that grown ups would bribe them with "candy" to ensure their safety.
Fast forward to 2006, I may have not been a child but I was on British turf freezing my arse off and missing the shit out of those inverted commas snuggly caressing the words Winter Clothes. But I was also in a land where Halloween was real! At the time, I lived in a house of four and a half residents, three and a half out of which found my foreign excitement hilarious, but I was determined to go ALL OUT. I was going to be what I thought was a very original Corpse Bride (which of course Unbeknown to me was a really popular costume) . I bought a white dress which, a flower crown and a lot of face paint for my housemate Hayley to draw what we set out to look like a snake but ended up resembling a penis coming out of my eye. The result was, I thought, marvellous but upon descending our semi's stairs in a "walking down the deadly isle" manner, I stumbled across... a cute fairy, a SEXY witch, an ancient Egyptian woman and someone who just had brown contact lenses in... wait, what?! what's scary about any of that?! And then it dawned on me (I'm fairly sure this discovery does not pale to the penicillin but you know, that's up to your own interpretation) There are Multiple Types of Halloweeners!!!!! (enter horrified emoji here).

So, without further ado, here to help you sort out your Halloween identity crisis, we present...

click on this, it's a vital link for the smooth progression of this post..

                        THE STYLISED GUIDE TO BEING A HALLOWEENER                             


(the focal point of the outfit is the word SEXY. Cat could be replaced by witch, pumpkin and other variation which my brain is currently failing to retrieve)

Usually, said Halloweener is clad in much less than pictured above and is posing in a slightly more serious manner.

Like this

or, this

This role applies to you if: you want to be slutty without being judged upon it. Think of the 31st of each October as a free pass for you inner slut.

For this look you will need: A LOT of eyeliner, a little lipstick, and a small selection of flesh baring clothes.

(The key word here is SERIOUS. There's no tricking those serious Halloweeners)

If you take Halloween seriously, then this category is for you. Not toying around with extra inches of bosom on show and lack of artistic effort, this halloweener is set out to scare you. 


For this look you will need: A LOT of face paint (or just make up as illustrated above), a lot of time and a damn good face cleanser.

(The serious all-outers, arch enemy)

Halloween doesn't excite you the least but you've been invited to some party and your friends have been on your case about dressing up. You just grab the cheapest accessory you can find, chuck it over your normal clothes and once grilled just say, "what? Pandas are scary! I have a rare mental condition that makes me feel like bamboo, nothing is more threatening to bamboo than pandas". Done. 

For this look you will need: ANY slightly unconventional head wear/ coloured contact lenses

(I am biased towards this kind, as I identify myself with this awesome lot)

If you think of Halloween as the time to dress ridiculously and have fun behind Maoam Teeth and and a fake moustache then you are my kind of Halloweener. Usually my outfits include drawn on chest hair  and a complete inability to grab the bartender's attention which is obviously captivated by the sexy kittens. I pride myself on looking so ridiculous that even my friends get repelled. 

My archives are full of disguises that could potentially drive me to eternal spinsterhood, but since I have done well in finding a paramour that appreciates the ridiculousness that Halloween brings out of me (who am I kidding, lets just say call things what they are and admit it's any old Thursday), here are some of my all time favourite costumes. (Deddie Mercury, as witnessed above and below)

Glam rock Jesus

Super Mario's Ghost

Which proved to be very popular with the mummies

...I can('t) see why

I am trying to figure out if I was posing in a "sexy way" here *enter vomit noises*

Yeaaaahhh... I like my facial hair... and holiday appropriate cross dressing apparently!

For this look you will need: fake moustaches, to squash your vanity and probably some vodka brought from home because no one will notice you are waiting to be served.

To sum everything up, I will present you with a picture from my first ever Halloween, each of us was a different type of Halloweener. Can you spot which one's which? (DUH!)

Which type of Halloweener are YOU?!



(my ultimate Halloween costume,is to be able to grow a penis for one night only to go as THIS - nsfw-)

Monday, 21 October 2013

The Stylised guide to putting the 'IN' in INSOMNIA.

Put as non dramatically as I possibly can from the land of the constantly awake, insomnia is the David to my Goliath, the Wile E. Coyote to my Road Runner, the Lex Luther to my Superman, the Cain to my Abel, those unbeatable pixelated turtles that would never die to my Super Mario. Or, cutting a long story short, my main arch rival. The way I see it, my eyes and brain have some sort of love-hate relationship going on, with the latter occasionally becoming the more prominent of feelings. Brain will bully Eyes (capitalising because I've anthropomorphised them and those are now their names!) to stay open by attacking them with every single anxiety inducing thought I've ever tried to suppress within its chambers.

To paint you a word picture, this is how insomnia works: You go to sleep, nice and early(ish), get semi comfortable, set an alarm, close your eyes and.... nada. You count sheep, read, watch something, turn the light off, count sheep, turn the light back on, sit up, go get some water, come back, turn the light off, try to sleep, turn the light on, make a hot drink, drink it, look at the clock, panic over the lack of hours to sleep, toss and turn, panic a little more, get up, take INSANE pictures of yourself in an attempt to not think about sleeping... 

...then laugh hysterically over said picture for a good fifteen minutes until you realise there's now only three hours left until you have to BE in work, get up in a panic, cut your fringe into something that resembles a misshapen foot that sticks up on the right due to a very persistent cow's lick the existence of  which you obviously forgot in your delirious state (in my defence, it was only one time, it was not a big deal and it happens to everyone), give up on getting any rest, have a paddy, cry, have a shower, get dressed, drink coffee which will make you feel both more awake and like you've just been electrocuted, and go about with your day feeling itchy, depressed and bipolar. 

So, what happens if R.E.M to you is more of a band that sings about how everybody hurts sometimes and less of a biological function of the brain, and you really want to avoid your new boyfriend finding you looking like this at 5am?

(Photographic evidence of real life events.Oh YEAH, new boyfriend is a lucky man!hahahahahaha)

Without further ado, we hereby present you...


The Stylised Guide to Putting the "IN" in INSOMNIA. 

Given that here at St.D (get it?!) we're a pretty thoughtful bunch of people (it's just me but we'll tackle schizophrenia on a different day - future employers, I'm not schizophrenic, hire me! - me too! - and me! - don't forget about me!) we (I) decided to split the solutions in categories. 

(ok so the link was a bit pointless but lets move on) 

This category is for the no-bullshit types. One pill, boom! No moping around, going stir crazy while you're desperately trying to overcome a jetlag that's outstayed its welcome. (call me patronising, but them no bullshit types are usually jet setters!). However, before you jump to the seemingly obvious conclusion of not reading further because this sounds pretty simple, take a moment and listen... other than the blatant Heath Ledger(aka you could die)phenomenon, a generous amount of sleeping pills could enable some highly regretable behaviour. For example, I happen to have an elderly gentleman friend who once decided, after travelling back and forth between the continents, to take a couple of jetlag squashing pills. Happy in the notion that he would soon be sound asleep, he decided to text myself and a mutual friend in order to wish us something along the lines of 'goodnight'. However, being high on said pills, he misspelled 'goodnight' into a fairly long sentence about how he would allow another mutual acquaintance to perform some rather unorthodox sexual stuff to him if she put the right price tag on the act. Thankfully, as good friends, all we did was type "hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha" a carpel tunnel inducing amount of times, screenshoot the shit out of the textual exchange and bring it up in conversation on a daily basis. Unable to erase our memories, the elderly gentleman has learnt his lesson and will now only try to combat insomnia with ineffective concoctions of several 'sleepy time' teas.

I don't really know how to deal with you lot. Pray, meditate, keep a vow of silence. Send feedback.

Despite earning the largest chunk of my bonsai income through fashion writing for multiple publication that have bought my claim that I know my shit, I can hereby confess that the origins of most trends are to me as foreign as a plate of live edible squid* (*or, to be less of a knob, very foreign). What I do know however is that the fashion world seemed to be feeling a bit lethargic a few seasons ago and as a result unleashed a plethora of silky sleepwear that got branded as daywear. And while fashion critics across the world praised Sophia Coppola's daring pyjama clad appearance at the Met Gala, us insomniacs witnessed the event through slanted, sleep deprived eyes and between yawns managed to breathe a sigh of relief. Finally! Falling asleep in public after days and nights of exhaustion has become fashionable.

And while Sophia (we're totally on a first name basis) opted for a slinky Mark Jacobs design, H&M got a bit of a Marni bedtime version and most fashionistas paid their dues(cash)to Zara variations of the aforementioned design, we decided to take it a step forward and combine fading trends with brand new ones. Pyjama, meet pastels and flannel. This heartbroken hedgehog adorned ensemble has got our firm seal of approval. So for future reference, fellow insomniacs, BE PREPARED. Don't miss the chance to catch those hard to come by zzz's whenever they enter your proximity.

  • Whether it's while you're shopping :

  • while you're working: 

  • while you're taking some culture in:

  • while you're eating with friends: 

  • and even when you're indulging in a bit of an instagram narcissism 


You're welcome and Bonne Nuit